oh boy

Haunting.
Fuck that last scene.
Fuck Explosions in the Sky.
Fuck that closeup on the Dying Girl.
Fuck her tears.
Fuck my tears.

This literally prevented me from sleeping.

Why you gotta do that man.
Why you gotta make such a film.


I guess,
I loved it.
It made me laugh.
"We had to breathe the weird marijuana air"

Earl's analysis of Greg's personality sounded spot on too.
Earl was a pretty great friend too.
Earl was pretty nice stepping in like that, protecting his friend.


Those popsicles looked nice. They looked cheap, but sweet, so you know I'm gonna like that shit.

Hmm. Coming of age.
A coming of age film.
When was the 'coming of age' time of my life?
When did I film the film that told the story of my coming, of... age...?
Film of life, specifically my life, specifically the coming... of... my age?

I guess, 20 would be the obvious answer.
or maybe, 15? 14?

I would say the defining factor would probably be.. finding out you lost something.
at 14 I lost the perma-optimist child in me. This probably happened at 13 too.

at 15 I lost... I know I lost something... Probably the drive to do well in school?

and at 20 I lost everything else.
Well, almost everything.
I mean, I had my books still. Didn't read all of them, but got through a few important ones.

The moment it happened was probably the months it took me to lay down my prior beliefs. Yes, religion and blablabah. It didn't happen in an instant, it took many, many days. Calculated thought, prayers, going to church...

Agnostic teetering on Atheism.

Ain't too fun thinking about this anymore.

Coming of age makes you think of the priorities in your life. Or what you would want those priorities to be.
For too long in my life I have been ruled by this invisible father in the sky, that 'made' me behave in a certain way - no swearing, read holy scripture, pay tax, watch preaching videos, watch videos on how to preach. Well, that was all it was about. That was the priority. "Love God, love people". Simple: two commandments, follow them, make disciples, be holy but not holier than thou (maybe sometimes), forgive others, partake communion, read the bible pray everyday, look to christian role models, fear the devil, fear the lord, respect God, respect the bible, and know that one day every knee shall bow and every tongue confess.

Rhetorical.

Waste of time that.
Then again, given the utter meaningless of life at the end of the day,
much of life is a waste.

Work, play, sleep, eat. Pray. Meditate.

Maybe that's why I love wasting time so much. Because I have already internalized this thought process, this mode of thinking. Life is ultimately meaningless. It could have meaning, perhaps for a while, but eternity is far-fetched. Realllllly far-fetched.
Wasting time holds the unspoken assumption that one has more important, meaningful things one ought to be doing but instead of doing so, does not.
;
I 'have' to study, but I don't.
Do I choose my actions? It feels like procrastination comes naturally to me. Not that I can't differentiate what's important and what's not. But, I still 'choose' to procrastinate.

Like no matter how interesting the subject might be, I could still choose not to engage in that subject.
I used to think that was the devil playing tricks on my mind.
I would say, nay, shout:
"Get thee behind me devil!"
Thinking that the devil standing behind me would somehow... be better?
Yo, if he standing behind you, you can't see him, stupid. That makes him even more dangerous. That scheming mofo. He's the fucking devil! He's always up to something, so if he's behind you, than YOU FUCKED BOI.
He gonna stick that devil dick in ya.

See, the fucked up thing is that there is still some residual fear in me.
of the devil, of G-O-D, of the heaven and hell in a book I read when I was just a wee lad.
So even as I type this, I can't help but feel a little scared about what happens if I die in my sleep tonight. I mean, it'll probably be like the time before birth - nothingness, but there's this creeping feeling that tells me that I'll wake up in hell. Fire, brimstone, worms, heat, hitler, and that dude lucifer. Same people tell me all buddhists, muslims, jews, tom cruises etc will be there too.

but no babies though. Because babies can't choose until they 'get' free will.
Fuck that shit.

Christians sometimes do have that coward mentality. Let god decide. Let god's will. Let god punish. God will send you to hell. I'll just stay in my corner and... pray.
Then again some Christians say all that shit but still be cruel as fuck. no wait, cruel as hell. Torture folk and shit. Say it's cool to own slaves cause Noah got called naked once. Noah was such a dick man. Yo, you know the story of Adam and Eve right? You know why they wore clothes right? Why the fuck you so mean to your own kin for seeing you naked then.
Well maybe I got the story mixed up. It has been a long time since I've read and reread that book.

In my time we still have to give time to religion though. Still have to say and believe in religious freedom and all that.
And I agree with that wholeheartedly.
But if you can make those claims, you have to let me make mine.
Let all the world make theirs, as long as both them and I don't do any crazy shit like shoot up a concert or some shit like that.


But maybe one day, we could rid ourselves of this cumbersome product. Realize our overwhelming similarities.
Unlikely.



So this was a review about a movie that kept me from sleeping.
Fuck that shit.
I loved it though.
I will always remember those haunting eyes that reflected my own nightmares.
That song that will now always bring pain.
That story that I will always... cherish.

The story of the boy and the boy and the girl,
and my own inability to accept death.