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22/9/2014

Hey Nat,

I hope you remember this aching need to pen down your thoughts.

Here we are, here I am.
I don't know you, but I hope you know me.

Time does move differently once you are out of school. For a lifetime, all I could fix myself upon was my studies... because there was no alternative.



And now I sit here, deleting what I have wrote, with nothing to say.


I wish you would remember
The silence of distraction
in the pits of despair
Wrought not by earth's might but my very own deduction.

Yet how can you blame me
I did not want this.
I sought and I fought
To be free from my body
To be free from my shame.

Oh shame, shame,
how could I not see you so.
I chose to look past
your blatant omnipotence,

Yet I could not.
A sinking ship, sunk.
I hoped not to fear,
Yet I fear everyday, of everyday.

Lie to me, lie to me.






Nat,
I sit here today hoping you are doing okay. I hope you have seen past your past. The fear is a tricky thing of course, yet - "there is no courage without fear" .

No meaning to rise against the endless rising of the sun unless, Unless, unless.
I lessened my load that I carry. I lessened the blame that I hold against myself. Against history.

Will you be impressed by my resolve? I question myself everyday.



Life moves until it ceases. It is dangerous and dark down here, as I stand. I mock my own depression, as it is very easy to do so. Little weakling, precious fool.
It is dark down here, and my distractions are keeping me afloat.


What dream is worth chasing nat? What dream is worth laying down your life for?
Am I fool to ... yet I fear Him.

I don't know how.


Can I clench my fist and soar once again. Can I renounce... no push on regardless of what I have faced? I make no resolutions again, for I find myself lacking...

I hope that you are alive and well,
Nat.


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