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An evening to myself; 'the delighful views of the undulating countryside'

I find myself growing. Day by day, I know I am learning: more about who I am, and who I want to be. I am all the more convicted that I want to spend my life helping others. And day by day, I am learning how to love. How to bite my tongue, my lips, my teeth, my gums, bite down hard on everything I touch to resist the urge to scream and shout. I find myself hating many thing that are thrust before me. Against me, against my will. Powerless, bitter, hurt, I am angry at everything but the people beside me. Yet, everyday I learn.

I learn to walk with time. To breathe slow, and steady. Appreciate creation more than I had ever before. I am grateful. "I am grateful."
I am honestly sick of reminding myself that I ought to be thankful.
Because some days, when I look a little further, the grass I see is greener. Jumping into someone's shoes SUCKS.
Bitter, powerless, frustrated. But thankful. "I am thankful". Sigh.

I have learnt that a sigh can bring relief. It is the breath of peace that reminds me that everything will be fine.

Depression and disappointment have followed me. But never again. I hope.
But I will always have the sigh.

Well perhaps, being alone isn't all that great. But blowing off plans I had little interest in did feel darn good. Darn good.
I feel so in control for once. My hands on the keyboard, my body at ease. My mind silent, and easy...

What a wonderful world.

Up and down, Up and down.
At the end, it's all about grammar and helping people. I struggle with both. But I am trying. But I struggle with that too.

Now I must learn to deal with the status quo, with normalcy and never changing. Then maybe I can grow faster. Breathe in, and let it go, the night is still young.
Imma waste it.

30/08/13

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