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Cruel

Cruel Irony
now I realized

That 2014 was the most important year in my life?
My worst, my worst!

The locus. The locus? Locus of my worst experience.

Could not put my troubles to bed. A-bed.
Nadir of my existence
Was just existing for the sake of it.
Never like the Sake or alcohol and the comfort people said it brought

Never drank, nor got drunk
Never drunk in love,
Never drunk for love.

Dunked in my sorrows
Like white removed from an Oreo

Tragic and fucking useless
Fuck!

Now more question marks than exclamations!
Questioning at far too late a stage of life.

Had lived through 20, TWENTY years of what I now think is a lie, and now
I lie.

FUCK THE ARMY
FUCK NS
FUCK THIS ANGER
FUCK CAPITAL LETTERS

now ambivalently ambiguous
mind is constant state of flux
no time for capital letters
considerations yes, but no time
decidedly

flow flow flow
stream this consciousness now

boom boom boom
goes my heart in anticipation of what mind will form

now, live now,
living in the here and now


Fuck the cruel irony


Pain is weakness leaving the body
or more pain entering the body

More pain, then more knowledge
I know myself, I knew myself,

I know myself more

And the thirst for growth and knowledge is still there,
if I can battle this endless time-wasting

my fear is numb enough, now let me live.





2014, I broke free of my settled life. I changed my fundamental beliefs. I saw more clearly the meaningless of life. But I fought to discover my own interpretation of meaning. I grew an aversion to religion. Even the word 'god'. Religion, the opiate of the masses. Now, I am off that 'drug'. Will miss the kind people I've met, will not miss the rules, the irrationality, the daft practices. Will miss the comfort it gave, running to a fatherly figure entirely made up in my mind. Will not miss the times I actually believed what I believed: wholeheartedly.

I can only try to move on now,
Something save me.


18/10/15

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