Feel better, friend.

Parents, family, friends yadadaydyadyaydadadadydyadayda . . . . . In those quiet moments through the day, when my thoughts roam free - unabated, unbound, distracted. My mind drifts to the crossover through the legs step back jumper, or the right to left cross with the right hand finish. I cannot finish with my left even in my dreams. Broken ankles hurt less than bruised egos, whatever. Step throughs, step backs, hesitations, cross, in and out, through the legs, behind the back... and rise on up for that sweet, sweet floater. It doesn't clang the front of the rim or miss it entirely here, no - nothing but the soaking wet splash of the net, like a tiny, tiny human baby dropping feet first into the endless ocean. Yes, the baby survives. Then I dribble the baby through the other figments, and dunk it down hard. I can dunk, and I can travel with a baby. No whistles, no and ones, no foul calls, no technicals, just me, playing with other mes. And I beating all the...

“Look at your body, battered by the lack of love and trust. Don’t you see it deserves a little care from you? Don’t reject this injured body which has supported you so long, never complaining. Tell it that it’s important, that it has its place. Give it what it deserves.” (“Regarde ton corps meurtri par le manque d’amour, de confiance. Tu ne vois pas qu’il merite qu’on s’occupe un peu de lui? Alors ne le rejete pas se corps blessé qui t’as supporté depuis si longtemps sans jamais se plaindre… Dis-lui qu’il a son importance, qu’il a sa place. Donne-lui ce qu’il mérite.”) Hey mom, I like the strands of hair that stick out from my chin.  Ugly as they may be, I like it. 

Haunting. Fuck that last scene. Fuck Explosions in the Sky. Fuck that closeup on the Dying Girl. Fuck her tears. Fuck my tears. This literally prevented me from sleeping. Why you gotta do that man. Why you gotta make such a film. I guess, I loved it. It made me laugh. "We had to breathe the weird marijuana air" Earl's analysis of Greg's personality sounded spot on too. Earl was a pretty great friend too. Earl was pretty nice stepping in like that, protecting his friend. Those popsicles looked nice. They looked cheap, but sweet, so you know I'm gonna like that shit. Hmm. Coming of age. A coming of age film. When was the 'coming of age' time of my life? When did I film the film that told the story of my coming, of... age...? Film of life, specifically my life, specifically the coming... of... my age? I guess, 20 would be the obvious answer. or maybe, 15? 14? I would say the defining factor would probably be.. finding out...

I am afraid that one day I would wake up having forgotten about who I am right now. On this very day, the 16th of November, this memory - so small, so... seemingly insignificant... I sit here on the edge of my chair, the sun calling out for attention behind the pensive clouds. Whatever he can get through spreads itself across my table. I hear the whir of this engine, this device that keeps me occupied. My fingers, they dance and scream in this silence. Ever so often I hear the sound of cars and bikes race down the street from across my house. These sounds they, leave me as soon as they reach. I hear the tick-tock of the clock to my left, never ceasing until it does. I feel the sweat as it builds on my back, and numbness of my feet due to the crossing of my legs. And in this moment, I feel... completely different. I feel the quiet of the moment, until it is broken. But it always comes back. The birds caw, but these sounds they drown in the oceans of my thoughts... My mind ...

Who am I kidding? Certainly not myself. I, who was born in privilege, of privilege, with privilege, AM privileged. So to waste this privilege would be an affront.... to me. To this person I have created. Wouldn't it? I'm not sure... Let me dive deeper into these thoughts of mine, as I stick this silver spoon into my face tasting FUCKING COLOURS, while you struggle to find drink. What can I do for you? You, who are aliens to me. Who I do not understand, and will never fully understand. To try, would that be sufficient? If I partake in waste, would you hold it against me? I would. Let me succeed please, but know that if I do, there's nothing I can do for all of you. Maybe one or two, but not all of you. Maybe three or four, but not all of you. Label me a hypocrite, for that it what I am.

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide,  the figs began to wrinkle and go black, a...

No, not un-effable, not 'not able to be fucked'.  Ineffable.  As in,  life,  beyond words, beyond description, completely and utterly inexpressible.  But,  ineffable isn't ineffable,  so we use it when we are at a lost for all words, but one. 

Ithaka      As you set out for Ithaka hope the voyage is a long one, full of adventure, full of discovery. Laistrygonians and Cyclops, angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them: you’ll never find things like that on your way as long as you keep your thoughts raised high, as long as a rare excitement stirs your spirit and your body. Laistrygonians and Cyclops, wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them unless you bring them along inside your soul, unless your soul sets them up in front of you. Hope the voyage is a long one. May there be many a summer morning when, with what pleasure, what joy, you come into harbors seen for the first time; may you stop at Phoenician trading stations to buy fine things, mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony, sensual perfume of every kind— as many sensual perfumes as you can; and may you visit many Egyptian cities to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars. Keep Ithaka...

Plato Socrates Descartes Locke

She is the target of my complete attention. The paramour of the side of me that I keep silent. Hush, now, don't fool around, I'll have you know, that I am in complete control. Yes. Yes I am! My dreams are fixated on her, this made up fantasy of mine. I see the 'best' life ahead for me, I see all the nice things that would happen. All in the clearest, HDTV. That's what it is, friend. It will ever be too far away from you to matter. Just sit back, enjoy the show. Don't let these... constructed, yes, Constructed tales fabricated by indifferent minds lead you astray... maybe a little longer in front of this TV of mine... let me be... five more minutes... five... more... I revisit you in my head, and I don't know why I keep smiling.

Let me pen this down quickly, now is not the time for math, it is the chance to be your own scribe. Remember! Remember your head in your hands, Hang on now, it will get rough. Remember the 9 am mornings, yes, waking up after mommy and daddy left, yes, greeted by coos and cockle-doodle-doos then silence, anguish, silent daggers in my heart. Exaggerating yes, but still painful. This residue pain, keeps, keeps creeping back. Oh it is the shame, no, the lack of confidence. Oh those were days I awoke with absolutely nothing, absolutely nothing to do. Twiddle my thumbs, run my hands through my hair, wash away my pain and my stained cheeks. Vulnerable, like a boy. a boy, so small, so weak, so helpless. Alienated, isolated. Pushed everyone away, felt safe alone. Did not feel safe outside. "Momma, I don't wanna go to church today" "why" "well.. let me get better first," She couldn't see my pain entirely. Saw it as an excuse, made u...

Now life ain't that bad. Now, they say, and you believe "Fake it til you make it' Now, put up your best smile, wipe away those tears, keep using those commas now, that's right, life doesn't end that easy, not like a sentence, no. Writing: It's more than just purging these heavy thoughts. It's about remembering who you were, and how you became who you were today. Those darker days where death started meaning something... something else, something I hadn't... Well, I am disappointed I didn't write then. That person seems so far from me now, and I just want to tell him that I love him, and would love for him to write to me. Address me with a hopeful message, even if he, were not feeling that way. Please let yourself be loved, please don't isolate yourself. Please keep smiling, please, don't be too hard on yourself. Please remember that life is usually worth living, please keep in mind the brevity of life, the limits of our ...

Heuristics, rain, dashed intentions. Time, meaningless, used up on a colorful cube of spins and ring fingers. Practice, the importance of practice, now see me practice my incoherence. Loneliness and depression depression and loneliness Grammar, and the Nazis, blurred lines, thicke skin. Nasty verses, no talent. Alone, under the hazy blue again Repeated peat fires, extinguished days, awaiting death again Always, always death shake the head, shake of the head, shake off my head Always death and Capital Letters Always melancholy and 'it's okay to be sad' Well, what if I don't wanna be sad? What if I just wanna drop this little bomb of mine, FUCK F-BOMBS Let me release, goddamit. Fuck, FUCK caps locked into position, fuck people who wear hats. Fuck me. I wear hats, sometimes. Person with many hats. Jack, of most trades, or only a few. Master of Master Baits, go fish and figure that one out. Perplexing endings, take a group photo. Let the ...

It hadn't happen in a long time but she did it and it looks more than passable! And we were laughing most of the time and deciding whether to cut the sideburns. And she told me to dust off the hair later very eccentrically. I love my momma :) 26/06/11

Hey Nat, I hope you remember this aching need to pen down your thoughts. Here we are, here I am. I don't know you, but I hope you know me. Time does move differently once you are out of school. For a lifetime, all I could fix myself upon was my studies... because there was no alternative. And now I sit here, deleting what I have wrote, with nothing to say. I wish you would remember The silence of distraction in the pits of despair Wrought not by earth's might but my very own deduction. Yet how can you blame me I did not want this. I sought and I fought To be free from my body To be free from my shame. Oh shame, shame, how could I not see you so. I chose to look past your blatant omnipotence, Yet I could not. A sinking ship, sunk. I hoped not to fear, Yet I fear everyday, of everyday. Lie to me, lie to me. Nat, I sit here today hoping you are doing okay. I hope you have seen past your past. The fear is a tricky thing of course, yet - ...

Under the sheets Mind rages into the night Sleepy but not asleep Afraid that I would lose these thoughts Fleeting "like the breath of a buffalo in the winter" For so long I see this ideal version of myself, who is friendly, warm, confident but not proud. So often I wish to be that person. No, I am not completely blind, I know what I want, and where I should go. But it is hard, this struggle to be a pretend version of one's self. An act, it's all an act. Now I, now I worry about my incoherence again. My inadequacies, my loneliness, my despair. Struck down by that feeling again this afternoon, under the hazy blue. Felt so alone, felt so, hopeless. Didn't try to reach out, but, wanted to. I want to write before I label myself a failure. I want to create before I lose all sense of meaning, purposeful visions and goals constructed by the strong man in my head. This man lives in both the future and in my dreams, his life complementing another sadder being, th...

Cruel Irony now I realized That 2014 was the most important year in my life? My worst, my worst! The locus. The locus? Locus of my worst experience. Could not put my troubles to bed. A-bed. Nadir of my existence Was just existing for the sake of it. Never like the Sake or alcohol and the comfort people said it brought Never drank, nor got drunk Never drunk in love, Never drunk for love. Dunked in my sorrows Like white removed from an Oreo Tragic and fucking useless Fuck! Now more question marks than exclamations! Questioning at far too late a stage of life. Had lived through 20, TWENTY years of what I now think is a lie, and now I lie. FUCK THE ARMY FUCK NS FUCK THIS ANGER FUCK CAPITAL LETTERS now ambivalently ambiguous mind is constant state of flux no time for capital letters considerations yes, but no time decidedly flow flow flow stream this consciousness now boom boom boom goes my heart in anticipation of what mind will form now, live ...

Isn't it? How years go by, bye-bye, by and by. Words, I use them to translate thoughts into tiny little bytes of information. Bites. Oreos. How, like the wind, my mind goes. Free, fleeting, free. Kneel before God, no longer in capital form. god. Skeptical, unsure Agnostic teetering on Atheism. Ever worried that parents, oh mother and father, mommy and daddy, will notice that look in my eye when I pray at the dinner table. My mind prances from blasphemy to blasphemy, but really, what I now believe are truths. Incoherence and inadequacy proven in my inability to complete a test with full certainty - And now I float back to my saving grace, my northern star, my personal yes-man, Ninety Six, and a Half. Wonder, how wondrous a number below yet close to a 100 can be. Such joyous exuberance now, as I type bytes into a screen. "If I die, I die." "And I am in pain" Scoff at my own melancholy. Troubles in a far more troubled world. Who can give...

I believed that I would face my fears in a jungle somewhere Spiders dangling in their cobwebs Ominous all around While my mind screams at the horrors that lay before me My body steaming, sweaty Arms aching, feet weakened Heart on the verge of breaking Fear came a different way - In a darkened room Stale air Alone My face streaming my voice breaking Alone My mind entertained thoughts Never mind how distant and alien they were My mind let them in and played house Confronted shame, disdain disappointment led to anguish as the murky deep came over me I screamed out but no one came for it was silent I thought I had been fighting demons - I had been fighting myself. DEEPER DOWN i go now i rise I won't be bullied any longer Life IS too short I come alive at the break of day I will come alive like the lion at the sunrise hear me roar, and fear me. 25/03/15

Catharsis  (from the Greek κάθαρσις katharsis meaning "purification" or "cleansing") is the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. I had not written, have not written in so long. It was probably laziness. I wanted to write, as I had been so overwhelmed with my own turmoils all throughout 2014. 2015 is a little better though.  2014 was tedious, long and treacherous. I crawled through it, and time slowed down for me. Meds didn't seem to work. But surely writing could have helped.  I write because LKY has died and I have.. not mixed emotions but more of a sense of loss in my own life. I have never met the man but even now, I feel disappointed as I had never seen him nor spoken to him face to face. He was always only real to me when I was studying him in my SEA classes. I only knew him for what he did, or more specifically, what others wro...

Accept your flaws. Never imagine your greatness, you'll fall short. There is beauty in acceptance.  In answering without shame or remorse. There is completion in acceptance. We become whole when we reconcile our failures with who we are. Answer 'drama' and not 'floorball', because the former is where you felt comfortable, at ease. Be not afraid of what others might think, do not let your masculinity be the sole identifier of your identity.  Be happy with who you are. Don't give excuses for your imperfections.  Own them. Acknowledge them in EVERY FIBRE, every inch of you life. In the good and bad, know with full assurance that you are never good enough to meet your expectations, but you are good enough to be the best you can be.  You are the king of your mind, the lord of all criticism shot at you. Take back what you lost in the shame. Seize what belongs to you: your courage, your belief, your genuine self.  And when you are set on...

To me, there is no more shame is declaring that I am weak. There isn't much point being strong all the time anyway. So next year I fight my fears. The fear of waiting and waiting and waiting will be and has been a true struggle, but I must learn to be patient. To accept that life is beautiful when we take a seat while we accompany construction workers on escort duty. The beauty in the wind and the air and sweet silence of the evening. There is beauty in the ugliest of circumstances, with our heads bent toward the ground and our hands rough with callouses. There is always beauty and thanksgiving. Always! I triumph over fear and doubt. Over complaining and bickering. Over time-saving and nagging. For I learn to accept my fate as it is, and take genuine joy from what I can control: though that is a whole other thing I can improve in. Love yourself. 20/12/13

Date :   19/1/04 Title :    THE MISCHIEVIOUS BOY                                     Group :           Antelope             “Five plus three thousand four hundred equals to ….”, Mr Slash, our Maths teacher was saying.  It was a hot and humid afternoon.  Everyone was trying not to fall asleep.  Mr Slash was getting really annoyed.             All of a sudden, Pei Yun let out the loudest scream of her life !  There was a toy spider on her desk.  Now, Mr Slash was fuming mad.              “Dexter !!!  You are going to the principal’s...

I find myself growing. Day by day, I know I am learning: more about who I am, and who I want to be. I am all the more convicted that I want to spend my life helping others. And day by day, I am learning how to love. How to bite my tongue, my lips, my teeth, my gums, bite down hard on everything I touch to resist the urge to scream and shout. I find myself hating many thing that are thrust before me. Against me, against my will. Powerless, bitter, hurt, I am angry at everything but the people beside me. Yet, everyday I learn. I learn to walk with time. To breathe slow, and steady. Appreciate creation more than I had ever before. I am grateful. "I am grateful." I am honestly sick of reminding myself that I ought to be thankful. Because some days, when I look a little further, the grass I see is greener. Jumping into someone's shoes SUCKS. Bitter, powerless, frustrated. But thankful. "I am thankful". Sigh. I have learnt that a sigh can bring relief. It is th...

“And so, onwards... along a path of wisdom, with a hearty tread, a hearty confidence.. however you may be, be your own source of experience. Throw off your discontent about your nature. Forgive yourself your own self. You have it in your power to merge everything you have lived through- false starts, errors, delusions, passions, your loves and your hopes- into your goal, with nothing left over.”  Friedrich Nietzsche

Friends, dots on one timeline, Friends of the old and the present. Can only say words and loving greetings of cheer. Even as some, like me, we go through hell. Words that are typed, then sent, across space and time to this time of day, to wish me. Wishes are such fragile things, they are nothing, yet they are of value. Symbols of friendship, good intentions and niceties. To wish me on a day when I am disappointed and ashamed. They do not lift me as much as I would've have hoped, but I thank them any way. Today is a good day. I fear the worst, perhaps guilt as well, focusing only on the end. The journey of life, the end of mine, that is what I look up towards. Not to this paper and pen they thrust before me. Nevertheless: the less of the A levels, the less of worldly accolades, awards and achievements. A, A, A, A. Born to study, born to excel, born to think, to write, to score above and beyond. Born on the 4th, to chase something. I am resolved to chase something greater, ...

It goes like this We are sitting around a table, Laughing Crying Smiling All in joyous reverence On this most memorable of nights. We celebrate by having our final glances, our last smiles, our memorable laughter. Some are happy to be over with this, Others despondent, unable to deal with moving on with a uplifted heart and eyes set on the future. But we all do so anyway. The music is soft, and happy. To represent this journey. Short and sweet, so swift, yet we could only know that at this table. Now everything moves slowly. Surely we are not new to these emotions, these thoughts. Surely we have danced this very dance. Handshakes, hugs, laughs. It moves slower now. The laughter dies down, and we breathe slower, and then the most innocent of yawns, And as it closes, we know it has ended. Severed, never to be, a fleeting thought now on the ground, never to be retrieved, even if we were kind and good and our parents said we could. The music dies, but no one catc...

A journey I have to take from a place of the old to the glories of the new. Dreams of infants, necessitated by nature; though not in the right time. I wish to speak out and smile, but my heart, youthful and beating, is weak.  I wish to spend time with you, but I can only deduce the worst consequences. I long for the day I can be ashamed of these feelings,  when I can laugh at these preposterous words. One day I will smile and laugh and speak and wave without the need for bravery and heart and spirit, One day, I will simply think of these good old days When I pined, burned and perished not by my own free will, but by this cruelty of nature  that tells me what is right and wrong, and what I should not and should do.  My heart desires so much,  but my mind must keep it in its place with fabricated fictions and noxious notions that pain me to my very end.  Fantasy will never go, will it? I wish to spea...

Each day now I find myself preoccupied with my infatuation. Each day I am fearful of the future. Each day now I feel distracted and not at ease, wishing for a friend to be there with me, who can truly understand, who can talk and pray with me. I am not afraid of the fear within me. It does not scare or shock or make me feel like I am a leaf in the wind. No, it is worse. It is the mask I wear to hide it, the fake smile that hides it. Most of the times, in the morning, my joy is genuine and my heart at peace. But now I am so fraught with emotion it scares me. Perhaps detachment may be better, perhaps simplicity is what we all need. But none can truly  live  without feeling, emotions and fears, can they? I can only hope I get over this. I am not afraid of the As. I am afraid that my distraction will screw me over. I know I must stay strong, but I am confused. My mind is not as clear anymore, a foggy, nebulous cloud in my head, and my heart. I find myself taking the time to ...

Awake before the proverbial caw Against this, nature's law. Attach the Strings of my sole, Arise, we who are bold. It Beckons, a promise to my soul, strive for more. more soul and strength I stride and stretch and soar but Only until the nostrils flare and Eyes widen, lips tremble In its entirety, the body is unsure, afraid. Stupid idea. Doubt the abilities, say 'God has not made me to do This.' We who are weak. Click. Click click A line of light, sparks Click. Another gulp of air Restored. I am Restored. I am empowered. Clear as the coming day, Clear as the sky that abounds. We who are enlightened By the power we overlooked, on a day such as this, dark, that we may forget our promise. We who have Just done it. 20/07/11

The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new. —Samuel Beckett, Murphy  (1938)

Open. Focus. Struggle. Do Not Close. Black. Name. Shock. Focus. Bus. Stop. Sleep. Music. Open. Mouth. Play. Do Not Slip. Slip. Shock. Slipped. Sharp Seering. Pain. 18/04/11

For someone I do not know I feel this sense of Sadness Last words at the Chinese New Year Gave me an angbao, and blessed me with kind words The passing over Perhaps God's work in progress, While we Mindless children and youth do not appreciate what we have now. Where we take things for granted and are Disappointed by unimportant Mediocrity. God bless her family, Give comfort when comfort is due.

Stalwarts of the gun-wielding greens Exhorted to Salute, No room for useless persiflage, No room for flagrant violations, We stand, unabashed, proud, but in every sense of the word Plebeian. Never to Capitulate, Marching down fabricated promenades towards Inexorability. "Espouse Altruism" Deny Narcissism Deny Parsimonious, Avaricious Nature. No time for Bacchanalian gyrates, and those inebriated revelries. Soon, this insidious relationship Will shove its way through the throng of other lies. They cajoled you to trade your life, for fallacious, non-existent accolades, but in the end they  inveigled us altogether,  with mendacious promises that told us that  Everything would be, and was Copacetic. 

I miss the times when i got 31/50 for my LA test. I miss the times when i got 32% for Chinese. I miss it when i look at my Chinese Papers. I miss it when i recall Synapses. I miss it when i see my timetable. Because, I remember the times of DOTA of Taiti of Blackjack of Texas Hold Em' of Bridge of Hiding Bottles of Placing Flutes on Ledges of Opening one door and running out after insulting a Malaysian. of Locking one door after seeing boys angering girls. There were no other joyous times, but the times When i poked fun at China I gave you nicknames I coupled you together I laughed at two people talking. Just Talking. I miss it all, the good, the bad, Because I had V12. But it is a time i can never go back to. It'll just be a memory Stored away in some crevice in my brain No longer will there be the laughs like there used to. The innocence of us children, Fooling around like mad little clowns. Growing up means letting go, Like removing pap...

I long for the security of the old forgotten past, Hazy. A time where our priorities were different. We denied the rules of society The lessons on how we should act. We were innocent, And happier. 07/04/11

The coin, Massive in it's bronze glory, Crushes, cold, heartless, It's victims no chance. White cubes laid out alone on a metal platter, Easy for the killing, Divide into 5, As they cry out in yelps of cracks. As the mind of the mastermind steps into delirium, He chuckles, he grins, Then his mom tells him he has to leave, passing him the bag of treats. Crunch,  the taste of kissing the ocean, the simplest of Joys. 07/04/2011

I had always relied upon the fact that, You'd always be there, The next day, Or after the weekend. But if i'd known that our relationship would have been so fleeting now, I would've tried a little harder. 07/04/2011