Feel better, friend.

 Rain heavy, worried about leaks.  I close the Tetris tab i use to procrastinate things like work or sleep.  1:19am: the most productive time of the day.  Worried about life. Thinking of signing up for programs, masters, diplomas.  Thinking about death and life. Of me at 80, 90, 99 - looking back here, now.  Used to be a believer in a God - well - rather,  a life that would never end.  finality in clouds, over and over, beyond until the never more fullstop in the middle of a sentence.  a day ago i burn after my booster shot (covid 19, is it still here?)  and i go downstairs to grab panadol only to lose hearing and stability (vertigo?) on my way up. i thought i might die, well, at the very least faint  so close to the nerve of mortality, the body instructs you of your doom.  and i want to be a writer  i guess i am huh.  start a group, community, a something  "just put a voice, never mind, just a... word." just put...

 learn to fly annies song someone to watch over me ella fitz strange fruit (nina!) only (lee hi??) crash my car (coin) might not make it home (yeh!)  i dont love you (mcr :P) a change is gonna come (sam)  all i could do was cry (etta) congratulations (english, day6, fox guy)  something tells me (bailen (?)) electric love (!borns!)  one day more (big mama(S)) 30 + goodbye (bo) white wine in the sun (t.minch) under the sea  many things (innocents?) paradise (bazzi)  chinese song? (yisa yu? qing ren something) official (charli)  like a river runs (sia <3)  im a fantastic wreck (montaigneee) start already (lioncityboi) only exception  may i have this dance (francis philcollins) youll be in my heart (phil philcollins) blank space / stand by me (imagine dragons) rainbow connection whisper in her ear (milk carton) dancing on my own (robynnnn) slow grenade (ellie) room at the table (charlie <3) school of rock  good morning baltimore s...

I'm back again.  I'm glad Google has the save password function - forget the security concerns for a bit. It's been a... while.  I think I was a little lost for a bit there.  So I didn't register for Masters. Guess only the kiamsiap part of me cares (it cares deeply). I'm not ready. It's ok :)  I've been a little lost.  You know, had Julia, and of course the folks. So not all that bad. But I think at some point in Fifa 20 and Thesis: THE fifathesis year. I think I was presented with a future. An adult future of btos, babies, and the weird normality of adult life. Just another life presented ahead of me, and I was writing about Alfian Sa'at and his provocavitivititiactivitivities.  I dunno man. I guess I wanted to write? The TV dream right? Right? It would soon come, right?  Or maybe plays? Right? You're not that good, but still, you could? You could help others? Yeah. I always loved giving constructive feedback more than I liked writing plays. Maybe ...

I like my desk. It matches the drawers in the room and the armrests on the sofas. It goes with the walls and doors and ceiling which are either beige or a sullied shade of white. It reflects light in a similar way - similar, that is, to my own table, back at my own house. I like my desk because it became mine last week. It matches the drawers and the sofas and all the other aspects of the room, so it tells me that it is in the correct position. It is placed exactly where it was meant to be placed. With all the other things that are also in the correct order. It is at ease with itself, and with the friends around it. It is at home. Tonight I stood from across the street and tried to pick out the window that betrayed me every morning as it let the sun in. It looked just like any other window and I could not pick it out. I tried to find the specific blinds that rattled as I tried to find rest against the fiendish bed that had an automatic verbal response to every turn of my trou...

Taha was the best show I've seen this year. Hlehel is outstanding in telling a story that needed to be told. He makes the best use of the monologue form, and his technique at keeping the attention of the audience is sublime. The intertwining of Taha's life story with his poetry was well-placed, relevant and thoroughly broke me by the end. The final poem - 'Revenge', sounded like a forgiveness that was hard to give, and as such carried with it the entire weight of Taha's personal story, and Hlehel's tie to him. It was personal, dynamic, and bore truths that resonated with me so deeply it shocked me. This was all I wanted from theatre.

" He was a scribble of a boy, all hair and mischief A two-foot tale of trouble, the bee's knees A cartwheeling chatterbox of tricks, completely fearless I had to carry a first aid kit, my band-aid boy I had my heart in my mouth wherever we went He'd do backflips into the pool when he was tiny And the lifeguards would get all stressed out He was a proper Mowgli, he embraced everything Took things apart to see what made them tick Such busy fingers He would empty sugar packets onto the tables In restaurants to draw pictures in He used to draw on anything Fantastical creatures with ferocious fangs And now he draws with words And I find lyrics on my till receipts and bills He was never still and barely slept, so neither did I I could never understand how he could watch TV Upside down while kicking a ball His eyes shone with wonder Music flowed through him like a current He'd upend a stool to use as a microphone Singing away for ...

There is this feeling that hits at the end of a show. You thank the audience and they leave in applause. Then it's quiet for a bit. You realise that you should have done it a couple more times. You realise that not everyone involved in the production will work together again. You feel like your work is too good to have only been seen that many times. Like there were flaws that could have been corrected so that the show would become better. You dream of Broadway. You dream of being good enough. You dream you could make money doing a hundred shows. And then a hundred more. You want to have a few more hours with the people you've come to like a whole lot. This struck me 2 weeks after my show. The longest it has. And it keeps me up for a few moments. I didn't want it to end. I don't want any  of it to end. but it has, and they will, forever and ever and ever. And things are never enough, and life is never enough, and I will try and fail to find the...