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Exactly like You

https://medium.com/@patlaw/dont-be-me-de0fb8dc25dd#.xny9xp5hm

---

Love is

a call at 1130pm from the gentle incline underneath Serangoon
and a voice that replies "Ok" with barely a moment's hesitation.
You put down the phone immediately, but I hear your footsteps fly down the steps anyway.
When I drag my heavy bones past the gantry, up the escalator, and see the white of your car by the pavement,
my heart rests.
I don't need to remind myself to smile.

Love is

You holding my hand in the morning
My eyes barely open,
legs tucked beneath the sheets
lights seeping through the blinds -
Through my small slits I see you
praying for me
"God....
bless...
today...."
You speak too quietly,
or I am still in the midst of waking up from this dream.
these eyes of mine still not aware of your love.
This life of mine still taking you for granted.

Love is

You seating across from me and you are
crying
because I don't wanna love your god anymore
and you can't say anything to change that.
I say that I will take care of you and love you no matter,
for all my days and all of yours.
I will not forget you, not let you rot, not let you be forgotten, not let other things take priority over you, not let you feel unloved.
but you shake your head
no,
you don't want that you say,
you don't need that.
You just need me to...
do something I will never be able to,
and that breaks you.
And I've seen it,
I saw it at gong gong's funeral,
when his body burned
and you shouted
and I cried not for my grandfather,
but for you.



Love is

me going back to church
me believing in this god of yours
me fellowshipping with other lovers of this christ of yours
this benevolent perfect being
up in the sky
deep in our hearts
the morning glory
unmatched in all things

I can't give you these things,
so I can't love you.
I know what love you want,
I know how you want me to love you,

but I can't.

I can't.


I can't.


---

I dread the day
you leave me -
no longer a hand to hold
a person to sit across
a white car by the road
with your blinkers on,
reflecting through the dense night air

and my eyes get heavy
and my heart grows weak
and my body goes numb

and i want to tell you both how much i love you
and how much i want to just be like you
exactly like you

almost -

but i can't,

i can't and i won't
i'm stubborn,
i'm rude,
i'm naughty,
i'm a naughty boy

and i'm floating away
sliding backwards down the hill
and i can't go back up,
and i don't want to.

I don't want to.





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