Feel better, friend.

https://medium.com/@patlaw/dont-be-me-de0fb8dc25dd#.xny9xp5hm --- Love is a call at 1130pm from the gentle incline underneath Serangoon and a voice that replies "Ok" with barely a moment's hesitation. You put down the phone immediately, but I hear your footsteps fly down the steps anyway. When I drag my heavy bones past the gantry, up the escalator, and see the white of your car by the pavement, my heart rests. I don't need to remind myself to smile. Love is You holding my hand in the morning My eyes barely open, legs tucked beneath the sheets lights seeping through the blinds - Through my small slits I see you praying for me "God.... bless... today...." You speak too quietly, or I am still in the midst of waking up from this dream. these eyes of mine still not aware of your love. This life of mine still taking you for granted. Love is You seating across from me and you are crying because I don't wanna love your god anymo...

Quickly now. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since you first sat across me. I try so hard for it to stop. I dismissed it first. Then slowly, it gnawed. I allowed it. I allowed my fantasies to run loose - so that my nights could find rest. It was a mistake. It was a lot of mistakes. My eyes closed and I could think of nothing else. It made it so much easier. You made mornings so much easier. So easy to be honest, so easy to be candid, and kind, and funny. But not suitable. No, surely not. Surely not someone for me. Surely. Definitely. Doubts begets doubt begets doubt. Thankful for the chance to feel like this. Like promise, a promise of a new day, a new week, a new routine. An endless well of fun-times and honesty. What more do you want? I want a museum partner. A theatre person? A park goer? A life maker? A frisson seeker? A thrill magnet? A sky diver? Someone to hold when the nights get dark and quiet. Someone to mirror me. Mir...

Subway - "what" "uh" "ugh" "can i" "this is so hard" "wah" "cannot la" "aiyah" "fuck it" "i like you" --- when? since the day i first laid eyes on you you tell your mother you cannot eat dinner at home today then you ask me to go out for dinner in my mind i disregard all other friends all other dinner plans (there were none in the end) immediately and i decide to finally do it in a tiny, half-closed-off subway space a schoolboy asks us where the toilet is i change my accent as i always do and direct him you say something about him i want him gone my plan does not include him i am nervous and afraid all the while moving closer and further at the same time treading water, a tango with myself. then slowly, a tango with you. I invite you in, you do not take the bait. you play coy and throw me nothing i keep going since i already began "s...

Denial Anger Bargaining D Acceptance --- I line you up I learned you, memorised you at a darker time of my life. That little grey of 2015, trying to find myself. To find solid ground after treading water. DABDA. Oh how relevant the first half of you have become. Horrid. 'Don't do that.' 'Stop.' 'It looks stupid as fuck.' I remember Denial first of course, the simplest to know, to note. Rolls off the tongue, reminds me of my father. I have a blast saying it. Then I remember acceptance. Always acceptance. Ingrained in my mind, I know how it needs to end. It must end with this. Must. Thousands of years and my ancestors have always ended on this - if not by will then by nature. When they fell, the grass accepted their offering - a return back to earth: ash to ash. Black to black. The acceptance of black, of blank, of the big, bad, black, beyond. Of crying out into open voids and awaiting something other than my own echo...