HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
You have a classic 22nd century
relationship with what you thought was, by all measurements, a normal guy.
Then, at some point in the future, you of course realise that he’s an absolute
madman. He constantly tries to contact you, leaving you with no personal space.
His never-ending mind-to-mind instant messages clog up all the space on your
already congested yottabyte[1]
quantum drive.
You
need to get away! What should you do? What can
you do?
Well have we got the perfect solution for
you!
After years of research and development, we
have the answer to all your crazy boyfriend problems. How does it work you ask?
Well let’s take a look at these three unfortunate single women who simply must get away from their relentless
partners.
First up, we have poor little Hamela
Hamderson. She’s trying earnestly to make her overly-enthused lover a former
one, but she can’t seem to accomplish her task. Hamela frantically downloads a
free version of that software developed by those peons over at McAfi. Thinking
herself safe, she goes back to her daily routine. She’s at the local grocery
store, browsing a few select cuts at the deli counter, when it happens. Her
tenacious pursuer has brute forced his way through the firewall!
McAfi’s mind-to-mind defences balk at the
simple task of defending a brute force attack, almost like a straw house in a
wolf-made gust.
She squeals in horror as streams of
tru-instant messages come pouring into her live feed. Her Gogle-lensTM
depict truly upsetting messages like “You haven’t replied my IMs”, “Let’s try
at making this relationship work”, and “I love you and want to spend my life
with you.”
Why won’t this creep just leave her alone?
Hamela crumples onto the floor in anguish:
she just can’t seem to get away from this awful display of voracity. Well,
that’s what you get from using shoddy software!
We transition now to the equally
unfortunate life of Baroness Beverly Bacon. This highfalutin lady of the courts
has spared no expense – she has purchased all the anti-stalker software. No man
or woman on this good grey earth should be able to break through, right?
Wrong! The hacking group known as KnownTM,
an offshoot of the group formerly known as Anonymous, have once again figured
out a novel way of breaking into things. The sweet, crisp Baroness is yet again
left vulnerable, even with all the defences she has put in place.
Known’s new virus, once sent to an
unsuspecting party, immediately mimics and replaces any and all defence
mechanisms it can locate. All prior firewalls are Zeeroxed[2]
and thereafter deleted, with the Zeeroxed firewalls being entirely controlled
by the sender of the virus. The perpetrator can now toy with the victim as he
wishes, when he wishes. Known has affectionately named this virus ‘Jericho’ –
strangely not after the biblical tale where an Israelite army felled the walls
of Jericho with the blowing of trumpets, but rather, after the 21st
century WWE wrestler Chris Jericho. The reasons for this are not yet… known.
We see Beverly being swarmed by thousands
of IMs sent by ravenous bachelors, like a pack of wolves about to blow their
trumpets so loudly, that even a wooden house would crumble and fall. Her
privacy entirely decimated, she receives IM after IM, all of which are of how
she is so amazing and desirable, and that she is cherished and loved…
Too bad Beverly! You should’ve purchased a
better product!
Like what we have to offer, the solution to
all of your problems!
We here at Brick Moon are proud to announce
the arrival of the MADTM. With MADTM, we guarantee that
your encounters with unwanted, mad
pursuers will be significantly lessened! This final lady will show you how our
product works.
With MADTM, Ms Piggy is able to
deflect all suitors effectively. Try as they might, assailants will never be
able to penetrate Brick Moon’s defences! As viruses such as Jericho attempt to
subvert our first line of defence, our program traces their points of origin.
Once known, MADTM lauches a counter virus to the source. This virus
will then proceed to wipe out all files pertaining to both the perpetrator and
the victim. The stalker shall lose all memory of the stalkee – every picture taken,
every online conversation - every small file associated with the victim wiped
clean.
Conversely, in order to provide further
protection, MADTM also wipes out all data pertaining to the stalker
on the stalkee’s quantum drive. As such, no party will have any data about the
other. With contact IDs erased, it will become nearly impossible for each party
to meet or interact!
Brick Moon will continue to hold resolute
even after the most devastating of attacks. We guarantee that no one will be
able to harass or trouble you any longer! And if they manage to fall through
some loophole, we assure you that our counter measures will render them
hopeless and harmless, like a wolf that has fallen through a chimney into a pot
of boiling water.
Ms Piggy will stay safe and free of all the
pesky intrusions, all thanks to MADTM.
And if you order now, we will throw in a
free visit to our friends at SpotlessTM, where they will wipe any
memory of yours that you want[3]!
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! ORDER NOW!
…
…
[Advertisement ends. Camera cuts to an
apartment building where people are using similar security software, in close
proximity with each other yet huddled alone in their homes. From a distance the
old Tim Minchin song “Not Perfect” plays softly,
“… this house has locks to keep the baddies out,
but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in…”]
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