When I first invented the particle gun, I
had jumped and screamed for joy. I reached out to just about everyone I knew, telling
them of my ground-breaking discovery. In retrospect, that might not have been
the best decision; money-making means do only come by once in a blue moon, and
a wise man would and should not share those means that readily.
I
called it the philosopher’s stone, for it had the power to turn anything to
gold.
How,
you ask?
Well
first, you gather as much mercury or iron (I got mine from Derbyshire) as you
can, place them right before you, and fire my nifty little device at it. My
particle gun accelerates a beam of ionized neutrons at the target at tens of
thousands of miles per hour, and voila – Chrysopoeia[1]! I have become supreme
Alchemist, a god among men!
Of
course, my first few tries ended disastrously – reaction rates were low, so I
yielded only microscopic amounts of gold. And the gold I yielded – radioactive!
I was stumped! So naturally I tried new methods, and surprisingly increasing
the speed of the ionized beam worked! Shooting neutrons at nearly half the
speed of light actually managed to both increase the reaction rates as well as
reduce the amount of particles emitted from the nuclei by maintaining nuclear
stability.
At
that point, I knew that I was set for life: not one more day being trapped in
this rat race! I was free! They used to laugh at me a lot in school, called me
“imp” or “manikin”, patted my head, mocked me. But today, I would officially
come out on top! Who needs to be tall and strong and mighty when you possess a
power like mine?
You
could probably guess what I did next.
I got
rich, of course!
I
took a trip to the old Derbyshire mine and brought home a sizeable portion of
iron (not too large as that would raise some eyebrows, and I wouldn’t want
that!). Firing my gun at it was positively orgasmic. I must admit that a few
“mad scientist” chuckles came out of me – but it is far better to be mad than poor.
I
didn’t flood the market immediately, of course, I’m not stupid. I sold to small
dealers: pawn shops and the like. With enough capital and an endless supply of
gold, I started my own jewellery store. Gold chains, gold watches, gold
everything – I was a dragon and this was my hoard.
Life,
however, soon became dull – the successful lifestyle I had carved out for
myself grew to bore me. The things that my wealth bought only brought fleeting
joy. I so desperately wanted to seek out new experiences that would make this
life of mine more… interesting.
That
is when I met her.
I had
just had a meeting with the King – we had agreed to a trade: his finest wines
for a couple of my gold pieces. As I was leaving the palace, I came across a
most particular sight in the southern tower: I saw a sobbing girl locked in a
room with nothing but bales of straw and a spinning wheel around her. The guard
outside her chambers told me of her story: her moronic father had, in an
attempt to impress the King, guaranteed that his daughter could spin straw into
gold! That story still gets a good laugh out of me every once in a while.
Well
anyway I, in my blasé state, decided to have a little bit of fun. To pull a
little prank, with the help of my handy little particle gun. The guard allowed
me into her chamber (I was a partner of the King’s after all) and I began to
play a neat little trick on the rather unfortunate lady.
“Good
day to you”, I bellowed, as I barged into the room, “I have told of your
predicament! And I believe I can be of assistance!”
She
responded with shocked silence. I laughed internally.
“You
see, I have a proposition for you. I will turn this straw into gold for you,
but in exchange you must… give me your necklace!”
I
didn’t really need the necklace, but it was all part of the game!
Exasperated,
she threw her necklace at me and pleaded for my help.
“Very
well, I shall begin thusly. But first, please turn around and close your eyes.
I shan’t reveal my secrets to you!”
With
her back turned, I brandished my gun and adjusted the settings accordingly:
instead of converting lead I had to convert straw, which was made of elements
that had significantly fewer protons than lead. It was no problem, however, as
I had designed my gun to work for nearly all elements on earth.
I
aimed it at a bale of straw, there was a whirring sound,
“Et
Voila! There you go, GOLD!”
She
broke out in tears, and wouldn’t stop thanking me as I left the room.
I went
back a second time the day after to finish the deal with the King, when I came
across her chamber yet again. She was still locked up and sobbing. She
explained that he wanted her to make more gold. She begged for my help yet
again, and I obliged, this time asking for her ring. She thanked me again and I
left.
I
went back on the third day. When she inevitably asked for my help once more, I
demanded that she repay me by giving me her first-born. I wanted children but
no woman would copulate with an imp like myself. Maybe this child would make
this dreary life of mine a little brighter.
Surprisingly,
she agreed! So I helped her and left.
About
a year later, I went to claim what I was promised. I did not wish to be cruel,
but she had made a covenant with me.
Like
any other mother, she said no. She offered me other things, hoping that would
appease me, but I replied, “No, something alive is dearer to me than all the
treasures in the world.”
And I
meant it. However, I chose to be kind and gave her a way out. I told her that
if she could guess my name, I would let her keep her child. I gave her three
days to find out.
Today
is the day: I shall meet her again. I expect to come home from this meeting
with a new born baby, for I do not expect her to guess my name. She’ll never
get it right.
For I
am no Tom, Dick, or Harry. No Caspar, Melchior, or Balthazar. No Shortribs, Sheepshanks,
or Laceleg.
I
shall have my child today or I’ll tear myself in two.
For my name is….
Rumpelstiltskin!
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