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empty eyes

Sometimes I lay awake at night and place myself in a fantasy. Wholly unrealistic, because it's fiction provides me a sense of security. 

I am 14 again. And let's say, I have this friend -girls name-  And 14 year old me knows -girls name- relatively well, friends and all. 
Let's say I ask her out. We start as friends. We go to the mall. We go to the food court. We talk as 14 year olds do. 
Let's say I don't screw it up. I present myself the best way a prepubescent boy can. I am polite, I am calm. I am witty, I am neat. I chew my food with the grace of a napkin-dapping moustacchioed gent. 
Let's say she likes me, and I like her. 

Let's say this lasts for a long time. Long enough for trust to grow. 
Let's say nothing awful happens for the next few years. We grow up together, 
we grow, together.

Let's say we are on a swing large enough for two. And the sun lights up our smiling faces. And everything is perfect and great and wonderful. 

Let's say I fall into a spiral, but in the midst of my sobbing, she is there - right by me. My screams do not echo back. 

I find my healing.

Let's say all of this happened, and I am not lying in my bed. 
With the
nothing (quite yet) to look forward to tomorrow
-
Mirroring the nothing of yesterday

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