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Quick, write something beautiful like you once did

 1.30am 


Be specific and detailed, you know, really go deep. Keep asking why. Tell me something you didn't know about yourself. Tell me something I'd never seen. Tell me an a-ha moment, an insight, an unseen revelation. 


Tell me truth. 

... 

A most valuable commodity. 

Tell me the truth. 

Here it is: 


I am back at my wooden desk, much like the one miles (yes, miles) away in Bostonia. Long hair, black jacket - feeling cold and old, and alone. I had friends but none that I really wanted to put in the time to be friends with. I did try - beer, shots, even clubbing, even that day in the parking lot and then the colourful aisles of cereal boxes and chips. 


Still the same, but with a haircut. 

More balanced now? Hmm, perhaps. Less in touch with friends. 

Hmm. Yes. New acquaintances, new-ish friendships. 

Ah. Yes. yes, yes. 

The ol' friendsyouwannakeepintouchwithbutitsreallyhardtodowithoutanactivitylikeschoolorsomeformofchurchlikespacetotieeveryonetogethersowehavestufftodowhichwouldthenmitigatetheneedforsmalltalk


Oh god small talk. directionless conversation that has a 20% chance of success each time, more if there's alcohol and if it's night time or the end of some liminal moment (graduation, a show, a funeral)


some camp where i first felt that feeling and wrote it down - IP1? J1? Gopher's birthday, Sha's Final 1 performance. Gopher's text asking me if i still went to church. 

I didn't find the time to take the books from yan's, but it did seem like we didn't want to put in that much effort into our duo-friendship anyway. 

good, not so good-byes. 

Sam's mother passed away and it takes me 10 seconds to rationalize why I did not need to go. I hadn't met her in a decade. I knew how it would go - like Jiayan's but Sam would be there to greet me with a most awkward "oh, hello" 


Sihuay, colin, i see amirah's insta stories. elizabeef's stories. yoda's bunnies. why still "keep in touch"? 

peihua - ha ha hua ha ha. that i knew, but some others did hurt more. was it my pes problems? was it the post depression despondency? or an inevitable coming of entropy. 


Today I did 10 pull-ups, the most I'd done in 10 years - 

And I pulled a muscle. 

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